


Sunrise Over Blue Eyes

by floatingonthelehigh



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: 70s AU, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe, Depression, M/M, Recreational Drug Use, Skinny Dipping, Spin the Bottle, Underage Drinking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-11
Updated: 2013-03-11
Packaged: 2017-12-05 01:18:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 18,814
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/717205
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/floatingonthelehigh/pseuds/floatingonthelehigh
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Niall thinks he gets it— they've told him a couple times now. Every summer, somehow they all get up to this stupid little town and they hang out practically every day. Then they lose contact for the rest of the year, yet each of them always floats back during the warm months. It’s been going on for years, they say. Niall is interested.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Sunrise Over Blue Eyes

**Author's Note:**

> So, instead of spending quality time with my family over winter break, I wrote this monster. I forgot all about it, but here it is, all shiny and new. Special thanks for One Direction for being assholes and making me write this.
> 
> I hope you'll enjoy.

The wind feels sharp and warm against Niall's cheeks that first night up on the sand dune. Air just won't go to his lungs; maybe that's why he hears a giant wheezing sound that sounds far away but might be as he breathes. It's a horrible feeling—like the world is being sucked away out of him as black dots appear in the corners of his vision. But at the same time—there's the wind. It's warm and like a soft pat on the back—urging him up the hill as his feet dig in deeper.

 

"What sort of name is Niall?" asks a tan kid with a funny accent only a day earlier. Niall can't even hear the pattering of feet on the dock above them and he shudders inside. He should not be down here.  
"It's a fucking sick name, that's what it is" says another figure next to the tan one. "I wanna to change my name to something like that. Something that'll make this twat here say 'what sort of name is that'? Yeah?" Niall doesn't know if the boy is talking to him. His eyes are staring right at him, but Niall isn't looking and he's not sure. He looks straight up, at the boards of the dock again and the lack of voices overhead and he wonders if he should abandon this plan after all the walking he's done to get here—fuck it—and go back up to the crowded docks and the shops and the town overhead.  
Niall then hears sounds of shuffling in the sand and he starts to get nervous. Not that he wasn't already. "What's go-on" the voice sounds so utterly trashed with it's accented drawl and—oh—there's a third boy stumbling up to them.  
"Liam, my boy! We're just making new friends, that's all. Name's Niall." The second one, who Niall decides he likes all of a sudden—maybe he'll stay just a couple minutes—gestures the stumbling boy over.  
"I still think it's a weird name." The tan one says. The staggering one smiles.  
"Liam." he says, slow—like his tongue is numb—and sticks out a hand.  
"No. No. That's not how we do greetings Liam, jesus. We're not in an fucking business meeting. Niall's here to hang out for a bit. Let's take him by the fire." The nice one that Niall likes says it with a hand gestured behind his head to a orange glow a little ways off. Niall nods with a glance above him, and sort of wishes he couldn't smell the vodka on Liam's breath.

The tan one's name is Zayn—which Niall doesn't understand—how does he have the right to tease Niall over his name every five seconds but doesn't acknowledge that his name is worse? Not worse, because Niall likes it, but stranger, definitely. Niall thinks about that for a while after he's seated down at the fire with the boy's arm touching his. Zayn is all crinkled smile and slaps on backs when Niall's apparently said something funny. Which is nice. The seemingly-soberest one—who now says he's called Louis, passes around a huge wine bottle to the rest of the small circle.  
"Been coming to this same spot for a couple summers now. We hang out a lot. Reek havoc. It's the greatest." he says, with a wink—Niall doesn't know what that means. Another boy sits next to the Louis one, his lanky limbs slack and his head the only thing upright against the wall. The fire makes huge shadows under his eyes and Niall is afraid to ask for his name.  
"How'd ya even know about this spot anyway?" Zayn asks him, finally passing the wine. Niall is too sober—tired of analyzing these boys and their smiles and their voices—so he raises the bottle to his lips.  
"I moved in a couple weeks ago. Asked a guy I talk to where the ideal place was to get drunk. He said under the far dock on the sandbank at the east side. Here I am." Niall says. The wine is good, not like the cheap stuff his parents buy, but his brain is still clear. He could have made up something if he wanted; instead of just telling the tired tale of asking his drunk neighbor where the hell he can go in this town to just get away from the boring cookie-cutter of it all, but words tumble out of Niall's mouth before they're supposed to. Zayn slaps his back again and laughs.  
"Well, we're not the usual pack of burnouts, sorry." Louis says, with a raise of his eyebrows. He looks young and small, with his grin that never seems to go away and hair that's been carelessly tossed across his forehead. Niall takes another chug. He could just close his eyes, if he's going to just keep watching these boys like they're zoo animals. "Like I said, we actually organize this, believe it or not." Liam, who Niall didn't even know was conscious, chuckles but then makes a sputtering sort of noise and might have just blacked out.  
" 's a shame, really." Zayn says, leaning against the wall and closing his eyes.  
"What?" Niall asks. The wine is starting to make him buzz in his throat, spreading to his fingers like the fire in front of him, and he slouches further into his seat, looking up at the tan boy's jawline. He does really have a weird name. Zayn.  
"That Harry's already long gone, and Liam's 'n his way there. Lou and I were planning on doing things later." he says, and Louis next to him whispers 'goddammit' and throws a stick into the fire.  
"Things?" Niall asks.  
Zayn laughs. "You are new to this town, Ni-yall." He says, poking fun at Niall's name again. Louis kicks Niall's foot and when Niall looks—he rolls his eyes in Zayn's direction.  
"W' mess with people sometimes. Fireworks an' things. Dunno, we're lame." Liam says, slurring almost every word. So Liam isn't passed out. He's got his hands underneath his head as he lies face first on the sand and Niall's feeling tired, too, for a moment.  
"Tomorrow, we'll show you. I promise." Louis says quietly, and with some alcohol making Niall smile, he passes the bottle to Louis. He takes it and toasts it to Niall, and with the flames licking in between them, Louis tips the bottle up and finishes it off. 

 

"Don't worry, we'll made it!" Harry shouts to Niall from somewhere down below. Niall's still running up, the sand is piling up in now even the bottom of his jeans and his shoes have been filled with sand for a long time, grains pushing in between his toes. The air is long gone from his lungs and it's getting harder and harder to run like he should be. He stops, finally, and the warm air lingers with him, making him sweat. It stays with him long after he's stopped pumping his legs, after he's collapsed on the dune, eyes wide.

 

The fact that Niall returns to under the dock early the next night to four other completely sober boys proves that the earlier night wasn't just an insane dream. At first, when Niall woke up at three AM with a pounding headache, covered in sand, the waves bumping on the shore meters away from him, he was confused. Buckling-knees-and-almost-screaming confused. He doesn't even remember walking home after that. But he remembers throwing up for an hour—which must have been in his own toilet. He's not quite sure.  
But now, he sees that the lanky boy with the mop on his head is standing upright, and smiling at him—they're all smiling at him.  
"He's a keeper." Liam says. He looks different when he's not drooling out the corner of his mouth and passed out cold. Niall tries to keep his eyes from widening.  
"What's that supposed to mean?" he asks, and Louis comes over and hooks his arm in Niall's. Niall doesn't know if that's a thing he should be glad about, but he suddenly is.  
"It means that we all like you from fact that you've seen us all piss drunk and came back. Well, well done, mate."  
"You've passed the test," he hears someone murmur darkly, and a fit of giggles erupt between the tall boy and Liam next to him.  
Niall smiles at that and notices he's been looking at the tall boy with the hair while he hides his tiny laughs in his hand. He's got dimples in his smirk and Louis sees him looking.  
"Oh my god, Niall. You didn't tell us. You don't even know Harry. He doesn't even know Harry!" Louis shouts over. Zayn leans over and bumps into the tall boy—Harry. He gives a small wave as Zayn leans over to Harry's ear and loudly whispers "this is Niall. He's seen you unconscious and he tends to drunkenly try to tell us his life story as he's passing out. You'll love him." Harry's smile gets wider and Niall feels his face burn.  
"Let's get going, then" Louis says, and yanks Niall out from under the dock and into the light. Niall has to take a few huge breaths as Louis pulls him, just to attempt to collect himself and calm his blushing cheeks. It's early sunset, everything is tinted a shade of orange, and their shadows are long on the sand. Niall is led up the hill to the street, the other three boys behind them, laughing about something Niall can't hear.  
"You're new here, right, Niall? Any requests?" Louis asks. Niall shakes his head, mouth hanging a little open without his consent. He shuts it, and suddenly relaxes into Louis's closeness and his face inches away. Niall knows he would let them lead him anywhere, which is a distressing thought as he barely knows them at all, but he knows he would. But Zayn bumps into him, whispers a short apology and Niall automatically goes to bump him back. Zayn chuckles. Niall is finally letting his breath go relaxed and even because he likes this Zayn--the one that is sober and all smiles and hasn't made one joke about his name yet. Not one.  
"Can we take him to Oklie's? Oh god, please? I'll pay and everything, I promise." Niall hears a voice say behind him that he doesn't recognize. He turns and there's Harry--his white t-shirt billowing around his frame in the wind. Harry sees him looking and makes a pained face.  
"I'm even willing to pay. That's how amazing it is. Please, can we Lou?" Harry's eyes flit to Louis next to Niall. Niall watches as Louis turns back to Harry and his mouth turns upwards a little.  
"As long as you're paying, hun." Niall is yanked again by Louis' arm hooked in his and his heart jumps.

They're greeted by the chiming of a little bell over a creaking door when they reach a little diner called Oklie's. It smells like so much meat and potatoes and—whoa—Niall is hungry. He hasn't eaten since dinner last night and he lost most of it along with lots of alcohol in a toilet this morning. Louis brings him over to the menu and lets go of him at last to turn back to see if the rest have followed. They have, and Harry comes up behind him and places his hands next to Niall's on the counter. Niall hears Liam say behind him "If I don't get food within the next minute I will not hesitate to eat Zayn," and he chuckles as he looks up at the menu.  
"Never been here, yeah? I'll order for you, if you want." Harry says next to him. Niall keeps staring at the menu above him because Harry is trying to look him in the eye and he doesn't even know him, but he feels his mouth forming words.  
"Yeah, that'd be amazing. Preferably something delicious and greasy that I'll regret eating later," Niall says, and Harry bumps him with his elbow playfully and lets out a breathy laugh.  
He listens to Harry order for the both of them--his voice is really raspy yet smooth somehow and for some reason Niall really likes it. He could listen some more, but afterwards he is led away by Louis' hand on his back.

The five of them go to an empty booth in the back of the diner by a big bay window by the jukebox and shuffle into it until they're packed in, elbows touching with their food on big plates in front of them. Niall looks down at his huge burger Harry's picked out for him—fucking god he is hungry. He forgets everything else in the world and goes to pick it up when Louis hisses a small 'wait'. Niall's eyes flit up to his face—and Louis is staring at him. His hands freeze. "Don't eat yet." he says. Niall's mouth falls open and he looks to the others—they're all looking at him too.  
"Oh, uh sorry. Are we supposed to like...pray...or something? Er—"  
Louis barks with laughter.  
"Shit, Niall. You are so gorgeous. So gorgeous." he smiles. "We're not going to pray, Niall. We just...we do this thing..." he looks down and laughs a little, putting on some sort of ashamed look that may be a facade. "We're pretty lame. We do this thing every time we come here. Where we go around and each tell the worst thing that's happened to us since the last time we saw each other. The winner with the worst life gets all the fries."  
"It's the perfect pity game," Zayn states, raising his eyebrows. Niall looks across the table to Harry, who just nods, with a tiny smug look at the way Niall's hands are still frozen in the air. Niall pushes his plate away and smiles at Harry.  
"Bring it on, then." he says. Liam backs up in his seat and shakes his head.  
"We've got some competition, boys." Liam mutters, and Niall laughs.

"All right, Harry. Bring it." Zayn gives an enthusiastic clap and with that, Harry leans forward and folds his hands in front of him.  
"I got caught selling coke in school. I am now going to be attending a Catholic boarding school this coming year." he says and puts on a charming smile.  
"You're gonna be a nun?" Zayn asks, disbelieving. They all laugh, even Niall giggling with his eyes trained on Harry's wide smile.  
"No," Harry says teasingly. Louis lets out a whoop of approval.  
"That could do it, Styles. Not much is worse than that." Harry's shrugs, and then his eyes stay glued to the floor.  
Liam leans back. "Well, uh...I got...I got cheated on." he says it without that spark of humor in his voice like Harry, and that gets a chorus of "sorry, man" floating around the table. Liam sighs softly and Zayn keeps a hand on his back. Eyes turn to Zayn next.  
"Lost my job. Not in the least bit interesting. Sorry." he smiles and Louis clucks disapprovingly.  
"Zayn, mate. You're slacking off in the unhappiness department. Better try to keep up." Harry and Niall laugh but then Niall sees them looking and he goes quiet.  
"What, me? I have to go?" he asks.  
"Well duh, Ni-yall," Zayn says loudly, and elbows him softly near his ribs. Niall can't stop the small laugh that he lets out when he remembers Zayn's drunken body collapsing next to his as they passed around even more wine, lying flat on their backs with their feet by the fire. Niall remembers a long drawl of his messed up name in Zayn's voice and slowly falling asleep to it.  
But Niall doesn't know them. How is he supposed to tell them the worst thing that has happened to himself since, when? Since he was born? He can think of a few good contenders, but not to tell these strangers.  
"I was. Um. Forced to move here." That gets a good laugh from all of them, even Niall finally giggling over his own luck.  
"It is pretty horrible here. Especially when we're not around." Liam says, and he reaches for his drink. Louis stops him. "The game hasn't ended! You all need to hear my troubles, you unthoughtful twats!" and they all respectfully lean forward as Louis crosses his arms—Niall realizes that Louis is wearing a beanie even in the heat of early July and he accidentally breaths out a happy sigh.  
"I stole." Louis says, no pride in his voice this time. "I stole from my school's locker room. And no, I didn't get caught, but it just affirmed the fact that I'm a horrible person." he chuckles a little afterwards, and Liam tries to, then clears his throat and stops.

They give all their fries to Niall, in appreciation of him not running for the hills from them. Yet.

As Niall finally gets the first bite of food in his mouth, Louis hooks his foot around Niall's. Niall freezes at first—he doesn't know if he should acknowledge it or just let him be—so he decides to maybe ignore it and looks up at Harry.  
"This is amazing. Thanks for picking it out." It sounds so stupid when it leaves Niall's lips but Harry just goes all dimples and takes a bite of his own.  
Louis licks his fingers and looks down at the ribs on his plate. "These have more meat on them than Zayn." Liam chokes on a bite of something and Louis looks smug. Zayn raises his eyes to Louis' and Louis cocks his head a little.  
"You know I love you," he says. Zayn still just looks down and goes to reach for his drink. And they all let him. Niall looks around at each of them—Louis has gone back to his ribs, his foot still hooked to Niall's under the table. Liam smiles at Niall when he sees him looking—but that's it. And Niall doesn't ask.

Later on after they've all eaten and Harry's finally paid, they head back out into the air. It's getting properly dark now, and the wind is warm and soft on the back of Niall's neck. Niall is smiling and Liam is starting the story of when he first met Zayn and Zayn is laughing along because he was a total loser back then and Harry chimes in with a 'but you still are' and a mini brawl is promised between them on the beach tomorrow night.

Niall thinks he gets it—they've told him a couple times now. Every summer, somehow they all get up to this stupid little town and they hang out practically every day. Then they lose contact the rest of the year, yet each of them always floats back during the warm months. It's been going on for years, they say. Niall is interested.  
"You ready?" Zayn asks him later, after they've walked some streets.  
"Ready for what?" Niall questions. He watches Harry run a little ways ahead of them, then up a driveway of one of the neighboring houses.  
"Is that Harry's place?" Niall asks Louis, and he watches as Louis' blue eyes practically turn luminescent as the sun dips lower and lower by the minute.  
"Yeah, but we're not exactly invited inside much," Louis says, and turns to whisper something to Zayn standing next to him, fingers stuck in his front pockets. Niall watches Harry's house, wondering what the hell he's doing here.  
When Niall asks them what they're doing again, when Harry's jogging gently back to them half a minute later with a black backpack slung over a shoulder, Harry just smiles."We're going to go have fun, of course."  
"I'm sure you remember what Liam was telling you last night--when he was horribly trashed. Fireworks and things, remember?" Louis prods his fingers at Niall's stomach.  
To be honest, Niall doesn't remember almost anything except passing out next to Zayn, so far.  
"Fireworks?" he asks. Harry unzips the bag and waves around a couple grocery bags that are obviously being weighed down with things Niall doesn't want to get too close to. But then Harry's pulling out a couple bottles—and oh, thank god—it's vodka.  
"God, Niall. From the look on your face you'd think it was Christmas." Harry says. Niall feels his face getting stupidly hot again.  
"I'm not an alcoholic," Niall whispers. He doesn't know why he needs to defend himself.  
"Never said you were, hun. Let's get going" Louis says, and instead of hooking arms with Niall he moves over to Liam. Liam's eyes turn all crinkled, sort of like Zayn's, and Niall likes that Louis can do that. 

Harry was the one who knew how to set up the fireworks, who knew where to run, and where a good place to hide and laugh was. Liam says it's because he knows this town better than anyone, has found every nook and cranny in each of the unstable buildings downtown. Harry says it's because he likes to explore.  
"You all stand over there, they can't see you from the bedroom window." He points over his shoulder at the house's upstairs window that they're in front of. Harry says that the couple that lives here have been total dicks for as long as he can remember—so here they were, grocery bag crinkling as Harry sets up. "When I tell you, head for that dune. Police cars can't move up sand." he says and he's smile's so large that Niall smiles back to him just as huge. This is what Niall needs. A police chase. Something to get his blood pumping back into his unused veins.

Harry lights the fuse and they're already moving—Niall's behind Louis, who's behind Liam, who's running with Zayn. Niall prays Harry will have enough sense to leave as soon as he's hoping he will. The street is eerily quiet and all Niall hears are the steady clapping of their shoes on pavement, as they head towards a dead-end street. There; now Niall can see it—a huge sand dune that seems to reach up towards the top of the sky itself. Niall is already getting tired. He wants to slow down, at least.  
"Go!" Niall hears behind him. It's undoubtedly Harry; he can hear his feet behind him. There's a huge clacking noise and Niall hears the cheers and laughter in front and behind him. He lets out a huge whoop himself, because he's running finally and—there's the dune. His shoes switch from cement to sand and that's a difference that Niall decides that he hates. More crackling—and now booming coming from behind Niall's head. He allows himself seconds to turn around—and there's a blast of blue and green light shooting towards him. It illuminates Harry's face for half a second as he's catching up to him. More booms. More pops.  
"Shit," he hears Zayn yell in front of him, as the dune is getting steeper and Niall can hear the clanking of the vodka bottles in Harry's backpack behind him.  
There are the sound of distant sirens after about a minute—and Niall smiles through his exhausted breaths. There are sirens. It's about time. They won't be able to catch them now—they've got to be fifty yards up the mountainous dune already. They're all laughing and screaming and then Niall's lungs are burning hard with exhaustion.

After he collapses at the very top of the sandy mountain, he realizes he's not the only one nearly lying like a corpse, splayed out on the ground. He feels the thick air on him and he sucks it in thankfully, the others doing the same around him, limbs outstretched and limp. The wind from the ocean has finally reached them, and it whips his hair all the way back when he can finally sit up.  
"Should we keep going?" Zayn asks, jutting his chin towards the ocean that they can see fully from all the way up here. Harry shakes his head.  
"They won't try to climb up here, trust me. We're free men." Harry rubs a hand through his hair and knits his eyebrows together in exhaustion. A minute passes of slowing breaths and the wind picking up.  
"Do you like us, Niall?" Louis asks him, through heaving breaths. Niall is sitting in sand at the top of a dune with total strangers.  
"I really, really like you guys." Niall decides to say. The sirens are still going on below. So he laughs.

 

In the end of that first summer, when the air suddenly smelled like falling leaves and the dock started to get chilly at night, Niall didn't want to face it. They'd talked about it before, during all those late nights, how Harry's going to Catholic school and Zayn needs to go back home and get a job and Louis has to go work to bail his friend out of jail. Liam's parents just don't want him to be here during the fall, simple as that. So Niall is going to be all alone. For all those months.  
So when the day finally does come, and they go to a children's park at midnight because they're idiots and there's no better place for them to go, Niall doesn't want to let them leave. He latches onto Harry and his lips are refusing to turn up.  
"You're leaving soon, aren't you, Harry," Niall says to him in a whine. Harry pushes Niall's hair back from his face.  
"You haven't been through this process yet, Ni. So I'm cutting you a little slack with the sappy don't-ever-leave-me phase. But trust me. Time flies when you hate everything."  
"That's a stupid saying." Niall says to him. Harry keeps pushing his hair back.  
"It's true, though. We'll be back. I'll be back. And then you can keep telling me all your silly thoughts that you've collected in this little brain of yours. Trust me. You won't even miss me."  
But Niall does miss him, when he leaves the next week. He misses the way he sometimes will start singing songs that Niall's never heard before. He sang them well, and they've all told him, but he brushes them off or bathes them in compliments of his own until it's dropped all together. He would like a twat with his choreographed dances and pulling them in sometimes to join. Louis, mostly. He and Louis had a thing for slow dancing, side-stepping around Zayn's unconscious body on the top of the tallest dune until Louis would jokingly push Harry down the steep side, sliding down in the sled made of his own stained t-shirt. Niall misses Harry's little jokes and his obsession with discussing different genres of music and the constant stream of music coming from Harry's portable record player that he insisted carrying around.  
"You love him, don't you." Niall says to Louis after Harry's car drives away. Louis' blubbering like a child—waving at Harry's car like he's actually going to see him. Louis nods earnestly, and Niall tries to act a tiny bit surprised through his watery eyes.  
"You could have kissed him, you know" Niall says, shoving Louis gently just to ward off the tears that Louis is making him want to let out. Louis sobs harder and goes to Liam's shoulder.  
"He'll be back, Louis." Liam whispers to him, rubbing the back of Louis' his t-shirt until it's smooth while glancing at Niall. "Next year. The first thing you'll do is kiss the curls off that kid. It'll be super romantic."  
"Sickly, even." Zayn adds, a tiny smile forming when he goes to rest a hand on Louis' neck. Niall frowns. If he were Louis, he would've kissed him before he left. Niall would've jumped at the chance. At least, right now he thinks he would. He would think Louis'd do that. But here he is, back arched forward into Liam's shoulder, trying to stop the teary hiccups. 

Niall feels like such an idiot when the rest of them leave and he's crying like Louis was that first night. They don't take it that hard—they promise they'll be back and then they leave. Niall is a wreck. He goes home and he wants to somehow ring Liam from the phone in the kitchen and tell him how upset he is, how he can't stop thinking about how he didn't remind Zayn to eat more because he can see his ribs and—he can't—Liam's gone. They're all gone. Which makes his breath go ragged and uneven.  
Fall brings in a new form of torture as Niall goes to school in this stupid little town, with it's stupid spirit colors and stupid pep rallies he's forced into attending. With the town all to himself now, he walks past the places that he used to go with them. Refusing to step foot in any place he remembers being with them. He wants to preserve the memories—to keep them untainted by how he's feeling now. He doesn't need memories of laughing boys and fuzzy minds to be changed by the image of him sitting there, alone.  
He can sit a little ways away from Oklie's sometimes and get his English done on the bench across the street as he reminds himself he needs to buy a parka soon, but that's as close as he can get. He can walk on the beach, but it makes him feel like he should be going in the water or at least walking with someone, so he stops.  
It gets pretty cold later on, but they're by the ocean, so nothing freezes except for Niall, shivering on his walk home. 

Then he spends New Year's alone, surrounded by people. He's at a house party with people from school, drink in hand, cheering along with them as the ball drops on the little TV set in the corner that they have to keep adjusting because of all the jumping that some seniors are doing nearby. But he's alone, and he isn't able to lean over to Zayn and whisper about their laughs that he doesn't like or his non-existent New Year's resolution. He just stands smiling until everyone leaves him and his cheeks hurt.  
After a while, Niall just floats from each day to the next, starting to actually hang out with the regular burnouts from his school at night and his now parents don't question him much anymore. They've been suckers for the school project excuse, but now they just flat out don't give half a shit.  
The fire under the dock keeps him warm during early spring and soon Niall can feel himself start to thaw out, limbs melting with dreams of summer and being warm. He imagines that one of these days he won't wake up with his neck sore, or his head pounding. That smell of rain is everywhere and he can finally breathe in and he gets a shitload of homework to distract him from everything and in the back of his brain is a constant river of thoughts of his friends coming back to him.

And then the second summer. It hits Niall like a brick thrown at his chest when Zayn shows up at his door early in the morning of sometime during June and wraps him up in a hug, Niall immediately starting to cry for reasons even he doesn't know.  
"Didn't miss me at all, I see." Zayn says as Niall wipes away ugly tears.  
"I have had the worst year of my life," Niall says, laughing a little. "I didn't find anyone to-"  
"Hold it," Zayn says over him. His hair is shorter than before and he smells like cigarettes. So that's changed. He's no less scrawny than he was last year, his cheekbones still high and prominent, but he's barely taller than Niall now. "Save your sob story for later, Niall. When the rest show up. We'll all go to Oklie's together and you can spill your little guts out." Zayn says, and Niall honestly just smiles at him and he feels the lump rise back into his throat. "I forgot to tell you to eat," Niall wails into him suddenly, unable to stop his words, pulling himself back into Zayn's fleece. Zayn tears Niall's face away from the fabric though and forces Niall to look up at him.  
"What are you on about?" Zayn questions, a breath of cigarette breath hitting Niall's face.  
"You never ate. Last summer. I was worried you would never—" Niall stops when he sees Zayn's eyes starting to shine and Niall shakes his head, trying to wordlessly tell Zayn to stop. He won't be able to do anything if Zayn cries.  
But Zayn kisses him on his lips in the doorway of Niall's house.  
Niall doesn't think they ever talked about that again.

With a hand on Niall's back, they go out and Niall finally goes back to that little children's park he'd refused to go to without them. It's good, being there with Zayn.  
Within the week Louis comes back to him. His hair is done up—Niall asks him after if it's for Harry—and Louis sneers and punches Niall softly in the gut.  
"Sorry, we're still waiting for prince charming to show up," Zayn says with a small shrug. Louis' shoulders fall a little, but he doesn't lose his smile.  
"All right. Okay." Niall watches Louis' shoulders fall back into place. "Now come here and hug me for hours, you losers." and Niall isn't going to refuse that, of course.  
Liam is back in a couple weeks; they see him across the street and he shouts "I was just going to go find you!" as he runs towards them, dodging a Chevvy that screeches on the pavement as Liam waves his apology. Then it's a massive dog pile of laughing and shouting and Niall screams when he realizes Liam's head is shaved. And he has tattoos. Little Liam, who only got drunk on special occasions and always thanked the cashiers and told them to have a nice day—and now—now Liam looks different. He still smiles like they're the greatest thing he's seen, which hasn't changed. And Niall decides to hold onto him for a while.  
They wait. They have their fun throughout almost all the hours of the day, but they're still waiting. Waiting to be able to fully appreciate it. Harry hasn't shown up yet.  
They wait for weeks.  
June turns to July and Niall picks up Louis from his house puffy-eyed—and he doesn't ask. He takes Louis' hand and squeezes for a second before they head to meet the others at the beach. He's realized that it's not always good to ask Louis about being upset because he'll just smile and laugh and joke until he's pushing them all away from him. He'd rather turn his mouth up then just cry for once with any of them. Until he's got alcohol in him. That's a definite change in the game, when he's holding a beer. Swishing it down in smooth gulps.  
Niall doesn't ask until one night when they actually organize a getting-drunk-as-shit party and sit under the dock, in the corner, against the wall. Louis was getting to that point where he was starting to slur his words and start laughing at stupid things like accidentally burning himself, and Niall takes it as his chance to prod at him, get him to talk.  
"Louis, do you miss Harry?' he asks. He pulls Louis up next to him by his arm, and Louis' eyes look a little glazed and his mouth turns to a steady frown.  
"More than anything else." he says. He's sort of curling into Niall now, and Niall lets him lay his head down on his chest, silently urging him to go on. Lately he's never mentioning Harry at all, and if someone were to slip him into a story from last summer Louis would go all grinning and direct their attention somewhere else. And it's not like Niall doesn't love Louis when he's smiling—he does, and he doesn't want Louis to be miserable either. He just wants to know that he's not the only one that misses Harry and can't always put on a smile about it.  
"I've been coming to this town for five summers and I've loved him the whole time. The entire time." Louis says then, affirming it with a slow breath. That get's Niall's breath to hitch. "I wanna hug him, Niall..." he squeezes Niall's torso hard, fingertips pressed hard into his sides. Niall doesn't want him to let go, but he can barely breathe.  
"Loosen your grip there, mate," Zayn seems to read into Niall's head and Louis obliges, goes to rest his head again. "You do plenty of hugging already," Niall says. Louis leans his face up into Niall's neck and bites down gently. "Fine. I wanna kiss him and hold him and—" Louis is full on biting Niall's neck now. "I probably shouldn't go on about it, should I?" he breathes, and when Niall feels a little scrape of tongue he slides his neck away. Niall needs to remind himself that he's too drunk to be leaning so far, and he's feeling pretty dizzy now at this angle. He brings his head back up.  
"Louis," Liam sort of hisses at him, and Zayn is looking strangely at Niall when he takes another drag of a cigarette.  
"What," Louis whines, and Liam drawls out "you nearly snogged Niall, there" in a sort of too-innocent drunk voice. Louis snorts.  
"And so what if I did? Would that be so horrible?"  
"I thought we were talking about Harry," Niall interjects, before Louis can really get riled up with Liam, his muscles already starting to tense up through his jumper. Louis leans back down, breathing out.  
"At the same time, I don't want to do anything with him because he's really lovely to everyone, Niall. I'm just one of his mates, you know? He's probably met some really nice boy at Catholic school and they're cuddling in the pews or whatever they do while I get drunk on your shoulder, Niall." Louis grips his hands into Niall's t-shirt and he feels another wave of dizziness. Wow, he's more drunk than he thought. Without meaning to, he takes a tiny swig of beer in his mouth, swishes, and lets it slide down his throat.  
"I would, though, Louis. I would show him and I would kiss him right then and there." Niall is saying, and Louis laughs a tiny little, hoarse laugh.  
"Then why don't you? I'm sure you'd make the most gorgeous couple." Zayn laughs sleepily from a little ways over. Liam is talking to him now, mouth almost brushing his ear. He doesn't know if he was even laughing at Louis, but Niall joins in.  
"Maybe I will, then." Niall says, pushing a hand through his hair. He tries to imagine kissing Harry, just to try it out for size. He tries thinking of holding his huge hands, and he doesn't hate the idea, but he keeps imagining him tackling Harry in hugs instead and Louis and the rest joining in. His head pounds once again, and he actually winces. He's tired and Louis' body feels like a security blanket around him, making him want to just close his eyes and maybe escape from the headache that seems to be creeping in on him already.  
"No you won't." Louis says weakly, and takes Niall's hand. It's not an uncommon thing and even though Louis' hands are wet from holding his ice-cold beer and sandy from the ground, Niall still likes it.  
"I know."

It's mid-July when there's a knock on Niall's door at six in the morning and--whoa. Harry. Long arms are wrapping around his torso and Niall doesn't know how he should be reacting because it's early and Harry.  
"Oh my god," Niall says into his huge chest. Harry laughs, high and boyish, letting him go. Niall feels a breeze on him and he realizes he's slept shirtless, in his boxers, and now Harry is looking at him oh so very amused and Niall rolls his eyes.  
"Save the eyes for Louis," Niall says before he means to. He tries to start talking again, just to say something, but he can't. Not convincingly. Harry tips his head to the side and lifts a hand to stop him.  
"I love you Niall, and I really want you to keep talking and hug you again, but what the fuck are you talking about?" He looks intently at Niall's face and he can feel himself blushing already. Damn.  
Harry gets it out of him by going for his stomach and tickling there until Niall confesses that Louis is sort of in love with him. Harry doesn't react to any of the words Niall says afterwards, as he tries to explain how he might still be a little drunk and how Louis is going to kill him and that maybe he didn't even hear him right. Harry's eyes are set in a look of pure awe when Niall tries to get his attention. When Harry finally responds, he tells Niall to go get dressed, giggling like a child afterwards and pushing him towards the stairs. Niall leaves him to go change into jeans and a button-up, something nice just because he feels like he needs to impress Harry after hugging him almost-naked at six thirty in the morning and then rambling a cover-up to his accidental confession about one of his best friends being in love with him.  
"Come on, we're gonna go surprise the others," Harry whispers to Niall when he comes clambering back down the stairs, Harry still planted by the door. Niall looks up at him with a small grin.  
"Okay," he says. Harry is beaming. It takes Niall about a second before he realizes. "You love Louis too," Niall says, raising an eyebrow. Harry bites his bottom lip, tips his head to the side.  
"I wasn't being very good at hiding it all that time, was I?" he says, and wraps his arms around Niall again, lifting him up onto his tiptoes. He pulls Niall outside and closes the front door behind him, all while Niall laughs into him.  
"No, you weren't." Niall agrees. Harry leads him away, long legs taking larger strides than Niall, so he has to shuffle along next to him. He's okay with that. Glancing back at his house, he thinks his mom will figure out at some point that he left. He doesn't know when.  
"You are so blonde and cuddly," Harry says as they walk quickly down the street, and Niall wrinkles his nose when Harry leans his body closer.  
They walk to Liam's and Zayn's and Niall watches as both of their faces light up, they embrace Harry with little yelps of excitement—and then Harry's reaction to Liam's tattoos. They group together and Niall lets Zayn and Liam crowd into Harry and ask him how he's been and tell how much they've missed him as they walk even faster to Louis' street. Niall is excited as he whispers closely into Zayn and then Liam's ear about what had happened that morning. Liam's smile is so wide Niall thinks he might burst.

And then there's the moment where Louis' door inches open and he's standing there in a blue t-shirt and his hair all messed up and sticking out on the sides and Niall realizes he's never been so awake at seven in the morning, ever. Niall and the other boys have retreated to peer around the side of Louis' garage as Harry stands alone on the front step. Before he had rung the doorbell, he had adjusted his hair, flipping it once with his fingertips and then straightening his shirt, the other boys shouting encouragements to him.  
Now, Louis lets out this huge smile and Harry has gotten so much taller as he scoops Louis up into his arms. Niall sort of feels like everything has frozen in that extremely cheesy way as they all hear Louis say Harry's name and Harry laughs and then they're tipping their heads together and Liam cheers. Louis comes over afterwards and swears that he'll kill Liam for ruining his movie moment and they all coo over how as they're walking away from his house, Louis reaches for Harry's hand.  
But when they're a couple minutes from Oklie's, Louis turns around and hooks arms with Niall and whispers "I hear you told my secret." Niall backs away from him, waiting for the reprimand that'll be coming his way. Louis' temper is going to flare at any moment, and Niall knows it, and he swallows. Louis leans forward into him even more. "And you're the greatest." Niall turns to Louis but doesn't answer. Harry turns around.  
"Left me already, have you?" Harry asks, with a little tip of his head.  
"Oh come on, how could I resist Niall? Do you see this face?" Louis reaches up to grab him and Niall jerks his face away.  
"Get off me, you lunatic," Niall says to him, pushing him off with a little laugh.  
"Fine. But seriously, though, Niall. I mean it. The first part." he says, as he goes forward a couple steps back to Harry. Niall nods.  
And he looks down the rest of the walk.

"I missed this place," Niall says as they walk into Oklie's for the second time in his life.  
"How? You live here, don't you come here constantly? It's the only decent place in town," Liam says, coming up next to him. Niall shrugs.  
"Why would I come here without you guys?" Niall asks, and Zayn's 'aw' ruins it.  
Niall orders the same thing he had last time a year ago, because he might as well celebrate with sentiment and it's worth it for Harry's smile afterwards. They go to the corner in a booth and this time Niall actually sits and waits for all of them to scooch into their seats, hands folded, feeling content with himself.

"Niall, my boy. We all know how you were horribly miserable over the past year, but please, tell us the worst thing about your time without us," Louis raises his eyebrows and looks so happy with his shoulder touching Harry's and fringe sticking out in every direction.  
"You're actually right," Niall looks down at his food suddenly, not trying to remember but doing it anyway. He's probably told them this already, but saying these words still make his tongue feel heavy in his mouth. "I hated everyone at school, my parents barely even care anymore, and I haven't been able to tell anyone my stupid little thoughts because they'll all just won't get it." The last part leaves his mouth and he feels dumb that he would even say that.  
Across the table, Harry's eyebrows have gone together in what shouldn't be concern and he nods when Niall looks up at him.  
"But still, the worst thing this year has got to be living in this town."  
There's a hand on his lower back—it's Liam—he can tell by how his thumb goes to immediately rubbing small circles that calms Niall down from the angry breaths he's started to take—but Niall still sits up straight.  
"But all is solved, now. What about you, Liam?" Niall bites his lip and looks back down. The hand on his back leaves, and Niall feels alone. Even though his most favorite people are breaths away. He feels like he's absolutely alone in the warm-lit room.  
"I...uh...I got in an accident." Louis murmurs a startled 'what' and Liam leans back into the booth. "I totaled my parent's car. It sort of started the worst of the year—I wanted to see how mad I could make them, so I shaved my head. I got tattoos. Normal teenage rebellion. Nothing else, really." He tips his lips into a small smile and Niall bumps into his shoulder, the crippling loneliness fading behind the distraction of Zayn's warm voice.  
"Prepare to be blown away," Zayn says, and everyone leans forward, waiting with smiles already forming. "I still haven't gotten a job." Zayn whispers into the tense air. Niall closes his eyes and bites his lip to keep himself quiet.  
"My god, Zayn. I don't think you can hang out with us anymore unless you get some life problems." Louis says, which makes Harry laugh and Niall opens his eyes.  
"Well, no tribulations of mine of mine seems to ever compare with the soap operas that are your lives," he says, which gets them started on all dramatically posing to each other. Finally, it's Harry who cracks first when Liam strikes an overly seductive one, his chin tilted up and eyes smoky and lidded. Niall nearly chokes on his own breath for some reason and he barks out a laugh along with Harry through his sputtering. Harry's taunted into telling his troubles next, to which he frowns and glances at them all for a couple seconds.  
"Well, I bet you're all wondering to where the fun adventure of me at Catholic school has gone." And Liam gives him a giant nod, coaxing him on. Harry starts his story, and Louis looks pristine and pleased with Harry the entire time. It's almost distracting. It actually takes a while before Niall can focus back onto Harry's intense eyes.  
"And let me tell you, Catholic school is not fun, nor an adventure. What's got to be the worst thing, is my roommate. I jokingly offered him a drink and he reported me to the headmaster and literally hid from me. I think he thought I was some sort of demon of the night or something. He hid for three days." Niall laughs louder than he should have, but Harry smiles along with him.  
"But now, according to the headmaster, I am clean and free to go. I've done my time, in other words." Louis claps twice for him, looking giddy as hell and Harry leans his face down towards him.  
"We're at the table, goddammit" Zayn stage-whispers, and Louis actually backs away from Harry, looking down with blushed cheeks. Harry gives a crooked smile and keeps his arm around Louis' shoulder, looking almost too much like a teenage boy.  
"All right, Louis. Steal the show. Bring us home," Liam prompts, and Louis raises his eyebrows when he looks up.  
"Uh, oh god, where do I begin?" The embarrassment from seconds ago is gone, replaced with shoulders down and a playful sneer. Niall doesn't know if it's an act. He never knows. Louis' words are long and strung out. "The absolute worst thing to have happened...was that I started hanging out with these guys from school...and we were at a fire...and we ended up lighting up a whole section of forest. People had to be evacuated and everything. Two of the guys got caught. It was...yeah."  
A minute passes, people pass their table and eye their untouched food and Zayn finally lifts his arms above his head to stretch. "Our lives suck" is what is says.  
Liam is given handfuls upon handfuls of fries and he doesn't really smile while he gets them. 

The thing about that second summer is how seamlessly they all fit back into each other. It's like no time has gone by at all and they're all back to the conversations they'd never finished and Niall is able to just fit back into the place where he was before, within them. School seems like a distant memory to him; a different person there and thinking different thoughts. The summer is all that he has to think about.  
The only thing that has changed is the stories they tell about their other lives and Liam's lack of hair and the fact that Louis and Harry don't have to oggle each other from afar.  
It's actually ridiculous how happy Louis and Harry make each other now—they'll just sit there and smile and Niall will lean over and tell Liam just a little sarcastically how cute he thinks they are. He's not always trying to be joking though, he honestly loves them both and loves the stupid things they do for each other, even if he wasn't exactly supposed to be paying attention. Another thing that's stayed the same is that Niall can still tell any of them anything that he wants to, any little thing that comes into his head. Any childhood story he hadn't thought about in a while. Anything at all. And they listen, they actually listen still after all this time, when everybody else seems to have their ears plugged when they're around him.

So Niall says it after they've swam in the freezing ocean all day and their skin is drying out with salt and the sand is still covering their feet. "We should do something tonight. Something stupid." Niall says. Louis comes over and smiles, his tan skin practically glowing.  
"I agree. We're becoming normal teenage boys."  
"Is that not good enough for you?" Zayn asks, leaning back into the grass. It smells like summer and Niall knows Zayn loves that. Knows that when he spreads his arms out on the ground the muscles in his bare arms will relax into it.  
Louis guffaws. "No, it's not." Niall looks over his shoulder.  
"Harry! Got anything we could use? Anything dangerous?" Niall adds, trying to charm him over. Harry's not stupid, but he smirks and glances at Louis.  
"Sure, whatever," and Niall's stomach jumps.

Somehow, through the blackness, Harry lights the fuse. Niall is excited now. He can feel something like adrenaline buzzing down even into his fingertips. He wants something to happen. They've chosen a particularly horrible place to set off fireworks tonight—in a neighborhood where the police are seconds away. Liam even tells them that it's completely stupid and that there's no way they'll be able to run from it this time—Louis tells him to live up to his look.  
Niall is running again—they've done this a couple times before, but now it's he who wears the backpack on his shoulders. It feels heavy like it weighs him down but acts like a weight around his shoulders as he repeatedly reminds himself that he wants this. It has a six pack of beer in it and some other things Zayn wants to try tonight, which is enough of a good reason to run; the sweet promise of reward. Niall's legs are stronger than before, and he doesn't start panting until they've rounded a second, curved corner along the street. There's a familiar crackling and boom and—suddenly Niall thinks he feels the ground underneath him move a tiny bit. There's a huge bang from behind his head, and Harry shouts "oh fuck" and Niall stops running.  
Turning, he sees Harry coming up behind him first, and then the light. Huge sparks shoot up towards the sky higher than he's ever seen them go before, giant shouts of exploding fire raining down moments later. Niall can feel himself be afraid, can feel his eyes widening as he watches the sparks rain down far from they're supposed to. It's too loud and he staggers back a little as Harry comes up next to him.  
"Niall, don't you dare get us caught now," Harry's eyes flicker to each of Niall's and he looks scared, but he's tall, and big, and Niall nods. Behind Harry's head, he can see orange flames licking up over the tops of the houses between where Harry had set the fuse and it almost gives Harry a small little orange halo that sears itself into Niall's eyes.  
"Did we...?" Niall asks, fading, unable to look away. Harry sets his lips in a straight line and shakes his head. He quite literally grabs Niall by his wrist and pulls him as he starts running again. Niall is afraid now, he knows he can't even try to tell himself otherwise. Bottles clank and he runs for a long time, keeping his eyes on the back of Liam's head and trying not to hear his own panicked breathing.  
Sirens again. The last couple times they did this they weren't in a place where sirens could come and find them. Now, they're still in a neighborhood with people in their houses meters away, and the sirens can be heard inching closer and closer until it's like they're all Niall has ever heard.  
"Please, for the love of god, let us make it," Louis shouts; they've all caught up to each other and Niall can hear the sound of Zayn's labored breathing next to him.  
Sirens round the same corner they do and Niall glances to the side and sees the back of Zayn's head glowing from headlights. They pump their legs harder. Sirens get louder.  
Niall can feel heat from lights on his back.  
"Here!" Liam shouts, and they all follow his quick steps and they run into someone's front yard—they don't know who. They hop an expensive-looking fence and Niall's lungs burn so bad that he almost stops all together as he takes another sharp turn around a back patio.  
Sirens are still going and now there's shouts, and Niall turns and sees them coming with flashlights—lucky assholes—as Niall attempts to weave through yards behind Liam. He would feel like he's not even moving, if there weren't the continuing reminder he's sprained his ankle from the sharp pain he gets with every step. There's porch lights that blind him next and he doesn't know what to do—he ends up calling for Louis as he staggers twice, wanting someone to pull him back to his feet.  
Hands are on his shoulders—and Niall goes slack. He is heaving and his backpack is weighing him down. His neck strains as he realizes what's happening and he snaps back to life. His backpack. He can't let Harry down like that—he remembers Harry's neck tall as he had put the bottles in the bag and had said with a grin that he'd paid for the beer with his own money, that the cashier thought he was older than he was and how fucking proud he had been. Niall falters again. This time the shouting above him doesn't stop and other voices move past him to go tackle his best friends.  
That's when he bursts into tears.  
The officer holding him down brings him to his feet, takes off his backpack, and pins his hands behind his back. Niall can't wipe his nose from the tears dripping down it. 

The cop's car is quiet because Liam is biting his lip too hard on the other side of the backseat. They don't know where the others are. Niall can't move his hands and the metal digs into his skin, and even though he tries to make it seem like he hadn't been crying, he can't wipe away the tear stains.  
He and Liam only look at each other once, and Niall hates it when they do. He doesn't want to think about where they're going. Where he and Liam are going. He glances down at Liam's tattoo on his arm, at the little circles in a design he knows the meaning of, and reminds himself that earlier today he had almost wished this upon himself. He closes his eyes.  
He doesn't like prison. He knew he wouldn't of course, why would he, but he really doesn't like the sight of his four best friends in there, either. Weeks later, when he looks back at it, he only remembers Zayn in the corner of their cell saying "they need to invest in an interior designer. Bringing my mood down," and at the time Niall wanted to punch his face in as they all sat in separate corners of the room, knees huddled to their chest.  
Now, he misses Zayn's weak smile in their little cell and he would've laughed at his attempt at a joke if he could go back. 

Two weeks before Niall would even have to think about anyone leaving, they're invited into Harry's house. By Harry himself, not his parents. They're out for the entire night on a business meeting.  
But it's not really a common thing for them to do—go into each other's houses, because stepping into Harry's summer home makes things seem a lot more temporary. Like they're seeing into Harry's other parts of the year, his first year pictures on the wall, the large record player in the corner and the smell of cooking food all around. It makes Niall really sad for some reason, until Harry comes over and squeezes his side and makes him feel like he knows what he's thinking.  
Harry had even made them all a meal, a "lame little pasta thing" he calls it as he spoons it onto paper plates for them. It's anything but, Niall decides, all of them shoveling spoonfuls in almost too quickly.  
They eat, Louis giving his compliments to the chef in the worst way possible afterwards when the rest of them are getting settled in for a movie.  
They even bring what feels like hundreds of blankets down from upstairs and lay them out on the couch, each of them getting snuggled in for ten minutes until Harry's completely sure they should start the movie. But by the middle of them watching, when the action and gunfights get scarce and there's too much dialogue, everyone starts getting overly giggly and slightly tipsy on wine that Niall himself had brought over. 

"Spin the bottle is so cliche." Liam says, as his cheeks turn a little pink. Louis has already put the the empty wine bottle down, though, and Zayn even adds in "I thought the idea was to never be average teenagers," to which Niall presses a finger hard to Zayn's lips, laughing afterwards because he suddenly thinks that all of this is hilarious. The room is only slightly tilting, and he feels awake, so Niall assumes that he'll be fine for now.  
"I'm spinning first," Louis says, ignoring them all. Harry looks perfectly fine, a small smile and his eyes half-lidded as Louis spins. It lands on Harry.  
"Oh, come on." Louis says, and Harry laughs really loudly.  
"This game is going to be so boring." Niall says as they kiss for a good thirty seconds.  
Zayn sighs in agreement. Harry looks at both of them sternly as he spins the bottle himself, after he's given Louis a little toothy smile. Liam is attacked by an overly-dramatic Harry and his mouth on his before he can protest the game more, before he can push Harry back. And he doesn't relax into it, which makes Niall feel like this game is for nothing.  
Soon Zayn kisses Niall after the bottle spins, and it's strange when Niall thinks about it, because it's sort of already happened as he's already tasted Zayn's cigarette-tinted lips. He and Zayn are both laughing though, and when he spins Louis, they do too. Louis is almost too good at it; he almost feels envious of Harry when he pulls back.  
Their party ends when the movie does, when they're all laughing at something Liam's done and it's late. They end up falling asleep next to one another, steady breathing until Niall feels himself drifting in and out. He hasn't felt this in a while, as he sleeps to the sound of the DVD's main screen playing over and over. 

 

Late summer turns to fall and the second goodbye is not easier. And now, because Liam's parents practically drag him away from them in only early September because they say they're a horrible influence on him. He's gotten tattoos since he's met them, they've caught him with drinks, and now he'd had the unspeakable happen; he'd been arrested.  
Liam actually cries—his hair is growing back as Niall grips the back of his head during their hug—and then he gets in his car and leaves. He even told them all he doesn't think he's coming back. Niall doesn't know when he's going to process that.  
He throws a huge rock off the edge of the pier and watches it drop. Louis, next to him, grabs Harry's hand. They know they're leaving soon. Niall lays back on the planks.  
Within days there's a knock on his door and it's Louis and Harry. Alone.  
"Oh my god. He's gone." Niall starts, a cold sweat suddenly forming. And Harry shakes his head.  
"No, he's at his place. We've already seen him. We...we're leaving." Harry states. Niall breaths out.  
"You...both? Now?" Harry looks down at the ground. Louis steps forward and wraps Niall in a hug, half in his door and half out.  
"You're the greatest," Louis whispers, like a reminder. Niall doesn't nod.  
"You both just happen to be leaving the same day? What about...you two..." Louis is still hugging him and he has to stretch his neck to look at Harry.  
"We're leaving together. We've been talking with our parents for weeks, trying to make them agree. Louis' eighteen. He's coming with me." Niall opens his mouth to say 'oh', but can't bring himself to.  
"We didn't want to tell you—thought you'd be too jealous" Louis says, voice vibrating into his shoulder. Niall tries to smile, but it does that stupid thing where it shakes and falls back into a frown.  
"You're both going to go on a romantic holiday for the winter?" Niall says, and Louis ends his hug and beams. Niall feels cold at the loss of Louis' warmness, and as he tries to process, Harry comes over and grabs Niall, burying him in his chest for a minute. Reading his thoughts.  
"You're going to be so caught up in each other, you're just gonna forget about me." Niall murmurs. Louis laughs, a full on laugh—it completely ruins all hope of Niall being serious throughout these goodbyes.  
"I highly doubt that." Louis says, his eyes crinkling. His hair is long and his shirt tight—and now Niall already misses him even with him right here. He's going to be away with Harry for the year.  
Then they'll come back. Niall repeats it to himself for a second. They'll come back.  
And then they tell him Zayn is leaving in a couple days.

 

The third summer comes and Niall thinks sometimes that he almost didn't live to see it. He'd been gone lately—gone from reality whenever he could be. With drugs and his new friends and girls that laugh when nothing's funny. He's trying to make his time alone move faster. But it ends up moving much, much slower when he finally emerges back into consciousness.  
He's at a party—they're down at someone's beach house near the water. Drinks are poured and music is too loud and Niall is gone. He goes out into the water with some girl—he's knee deep when he starts to feel shaky, thinking that someone might have slipped something extra into his drink. She laughs—fuck—she's always laughing—and Niall drops his cup in the water. The liquid disappears immediately, not even leaving a little trace of it, and Niall feels extremely envious of that little piece of plastic.  
They wade deeper, him and the girl and a couple other people—and the lights from the house seem to get dimmer. It's early spring and the water is freezing his legs and now his torso, getting deeper and deeper. Why is he doing this. Niall whips his head around—and something in the water pushes him under. He can feel himself freeze under the water—his limbs cracking into place until he's made of stone and can't move—but everything is silent. Niall loves it. He absolutely loves it.  
The first thing he thinks of is that he is so drunk. His head is pounding and his ears sting and he feels his eyes roll back into his head. His arms are flailing and he can't find the surface of the water—so he stops. He stops and thinks of himself—that he hates his life and he misses Zayn, and Harry and Louis and Liam. Then he decides to just think. Think of how cold he is. So cold.  
Then when he pries his eyes open he's hacking and sputtering on the shore with strangers above him. People from the party surround him, all of their faces twisted into looks of what he guesses is disgust. Niall is wet. His entire body shivers in the freezing air. He struggles to keep breathing.  
They're still holding their drinks.

Niall could still feel shivers going through him, even when Louis and Harry return early in the summer with Harry's family. Harry's just as tall and he's still wearing a t-shirt of a band that Niall doesn't know and his eyes are as wide as ever. Louis is next to him gripping Harry's hand with both of his, hair done up and beaming. Niall grins back, but he still felt cold as they wrapped their arms around him.  
"You're thin," Harry says, after hugging him. He holds him by both of his shoulders, towering over him, and Niall feels small. "Why?" he asks. Niall looks up at him and he doesn't remember when his eyes filled with tears.  
"I'm not." he says. Harry looks down at him and Louis grips his wrist.  
"We're here now, Niall. We're gonna help you." He and Harry look to each other and Niall doesn't feel thin. He feels cold.  
And that doesn't change while Louis and Harry have made it their goal to be checking up on Niall every second, until Niall actually glares at them—which is a first.  
He doesn't need help. He's fine. He's stopped the drugs and he's thinking and breathing and being human.  
But they still watch.  
Zayn's return in the third summer is what Niall says he needs. His hair is short again and this time Zayn has tattoos and he's gained muscle and Louis actually squeals.  
"Well look who finally gained some weight," Louis says, grabbing Zayn into a giant hug that forces Zayn to wrap his arms back around him.  
"I did, I did," he says, smiling into Louis' neck. "And I feel amazing. You look amazing, you lot."  
"Why thank you," Harry answers, smashing into Zayn's back until they've sandwiched Zayn in between them. Niall watches, still groggy from lying on Louis' shoulder for a good hour, and he's still trying to keep the tears away. His plan fails when Zayn fights them both off and goes to meet him in a hug.  
"I missed you," Zayn says into his ear, as he and Niall meet. Niall can tell that Zayn's grown to be taller than Niall and that Niall is the skinny one now, of the two of them. Zayn presses a kiss to his forehead and whispers "I did what you said. I ate, Niall." and then he says louder, as he backs away, "thank you".  
Niall nods at him, feeling a smile finally break out.  
Zayn looks like he doesn't belong with the rest of them, that first day. Zayn looks clean shaven, and he's wearing new clothes that fit his new frame. His hair and everything makes Niall miss him, even a couple feet away. Even when they climb up the huge sand dune near the beach on the edge of town.  
"What happened to your rugged look, Zayn? Since when did you look like this?" Louis asks for Niall during their climb. They're already almost to the top, and this part is the most steep, so Louis' breathing is heavy as he asks. Zayn turns around from in front of them. He smiles.  
"What, I reunite with the loves of my life and I can't look nice?" Niall shoves him, catching up.  
"Well, your pants aren't much now, mate" he says, pointing to where the sand has covered half of Zayn's leg during their climb up. Zayn shrugs.  
"Good," he murmurs.  
"You better let your stubble grow out, that way I can at least recognize you," Louis says. They reach the top of the dune and the wind from the sea hits them full force. They really are high up, Niall knows. They can see the piers to their left and the next town over to their right. Niall thinks of the chance that he could have moved to that town, or the one next to that, or to the one next. And how he would have never met these people. He could have found another boy who likes old bands and one that gives cuddles by a fire or two that make him feel like he's heard. That makes him so sad, and he doesn't really know why.  
"You think Liam will come back?" Zayn asks. Niall hasn't processed that, yet. Instead, he let's himself sit down on the sand and ignore the wind and the thoughts and lets Louis and Harry sit there and talk about their adventures together over the year. Sand gathering over his bare feet, Zayn by his side smoking a cigarette.  
Niall is happy in that moment--happy that he's met these people.

It only takes a couple days for Zayn to catch on the Louis and Harry's disease and he's watching Niall now, too. Niall doesn't get it. He doesn't have a problem that they can help solve. He's not a fucking math equation.  
When they're sitting eating sandwiches on the edge of the pier Niall catches Zayn looking at him with watchful eyes.  
"What, you've got a crush on me or something?" Niall asks dryly, looking pointedly at him. Zayn rolls his eyes.  
"You've caught me. I've always loved you. Please, take me, Niall." He even goes to lay in Niall's lap as he flails his arms. As his head lies on top of Niall's crossed legs, he smiles. His stubble's growing back and Niall tries not to smile back at him.  
"Just checking on you, Ni," he says after. Niall leans back from him then, and bumps the back of his head with his knee to tell him to sit up. He complies, mouth in a small smile. But Niall can feel the color raising to his cheeks.  
"I don't have a problem, Zayn." he says. It's the first time he's voiced what they've all been watching him for—this problem that they all seem to have caught on to. He says it loud. It comes out cold, and his face goes hot.  
"I...Niall—I'm just trying to help," he says. Niall tilts his head to the side.  
"By doing what, watching me like I'll break any second? I'm not a toddler, Zayn." Niall can't stop himself from throwing his sandwich at Zayn's chest. He stares down at his hands. Were his fingers always this long and full of blue veins? He feels like an old man.  
"Niall, hun, calm down." Louis says softly from his other side. He'd forgotten Harry and Louis were even there. He feels a hand settle on his back and he cringes.  
"I don't need your help, and I don't need you to watch me." Niall says. He stands up from the pier then and turns to walk home. He wasn't even hungry anyway. Zayn will probably finish his sandwich.  
"Niall! Niall...come on." he hears clattering behind him and he doesn't turn. He knows Harry's gone after him. With his eyes and his voice always able to calm Niall down. Even when Niall's parents had gone and yelled at him about his future and how disappointed they were in him last summer, and Niall had gone into a rage the following days—downing powerful drinks and comparing bird poop to his parent's personalities. Harry was there to take him to the side and make everything better and Niall doesn't want that right now. He doesn't want Harry's false security. Or any of theirs'.  
"Fuck off," Niall says over his shoulder. He doesn't mean to say it. His head is pounding.  
"Please, Niall. We're sorry, okay? Please...would you walk slower for god's sake" he can hear Louis say. He must have gotten up as well. Niall is not afraid to turn around and tell them to fuck off again. He knows he can.  
Niall keeps walking and they stop calling after him eventually. He walks streets and he goes home and goes upstairs to his room and shuts the door. He's calmed down by now, and he goes and sits. The whole walk home he thought he would go home and have himself a nice couple of shots just to get himself calmed back down, just to get the memories out of his mind for a little while. But now, he doesn't want a drink anymore. He just erases the memories himself, burrows into his bed and sleeps until they're gone.

His friends from school—if he should even call them that—sometimes are under the pier when Niall shows up with Zayn, Harry and Lou. The first time it had happened they'd wanted Niall to stay with them—share some of the things they were taking. And Niall had. He had sat with them for a little while with Zayn next to him, wringing his hands to keep himself occupied. It was horrible to say the least, like two parts of his life were colliding—the warm summers and the empty, cold winters. And Niall hated it from the first few minutes when Louis had tried to reject a blunt and was taunted for the next ten minutes. Niall promised to them and himself that he wouldn't let Louis or any of them near those people again.  
Mid-July, Zayn's wearing the backpack and they walk down the hill to under the dock. Louis is laughing about something Harry said and he's cut off for a second--even if Niall is in front of them he knows that Harry's pulled Louis into some sort of ridiculous kiss that Niall would've told himself he hated to see. Zayn pinches Niall's hip and points ahead to where a fire's already going on the far side of the sand.  
"Aw, shit." Niall whispers. He runs a hand through his hair, which has grown almost too long and falls to right above his eyes.  
"Do you want to leave, or something?" Louis asks next to Niall. Niall crinkles his nose and looks back at Louis after he realizes who's around the orange flames.  
"Yes please," he says. Louis looks over Niall's shoulder.  
"Who is that, anyway?" he asks. Too loud.  
"Is it those people from that one time? The one who still likes disco...and the that one chick with the cackle?" Harry asks. Niall thinks back to some of the people he remembers hanging out with over the last winter and remembers who Harry's talking about. The disco one. The girl who laughed like a crow.  
"Yeah. Let's get out of here," Niall says.  
"We can go to Oklie's or something," Zayn suggests. Niall looks back at him and grips onto his t-shirt.  
"No. Liam—" Niall starts, when a far voice cuts him off.  
"Hey! Who th' fuck is over there? Niall Horan, is that you?" a heavy voice echoes into Niall's brain. He remembers this deep, dry voice. Telling him to drink more, inhale deeply. Whispered to him when he was half awake and too drunk to do otherwise. Now, his name is a drunken drawl on the boy's tongue.  
"Can we leave?" Niall whispers. The voice calls again.  
"Horan! I'd be able to recognize you anywhere. Get over!" Niall turns and shouts back.  
"Sorry Johnny, I think I'll have to see you later." he doesn't even remember how he remembers his name. He thinks that's it. He's almost sure.  
"Aw, come on, Horan! Just got here! Ya brought friends with ya too, come over!" He's screaming even as Niall isn't even twenty yards from him. Louis squeezes Niall's shoulder and whispers "we'll leave in a couple minutes". So Niall reluctantly lets them lead him over.  
Half of the ones by the fire are far gone already, drunkenly passed out on the sand and some so high that they just fiddle with their own hands. The only ones who seem in this world are three of them—two burly guys that Niall doesn't remember, and Johnny. He hasn't liked Johnny since he smiled a crooked smile with crooked teeth and offered Niall his first blunt. Now there's a bitter taste in Niall's mouth as he says hello.  
"Drinks, ladies?" Johnny prompts. They're stocked up, and Johnny reaches over to pluck four of the bottles from the cooler.  
"Seems like your party's winding down," Louis says, and Johnny shrugs.  
"You've only showed up, yeah?" he says with a stupid laugh, and Niall doesn't want to sit down.  
And it stays that way. Worthless attempts at conversation and Niall wanting to end it all. He's holding onto Zayn for dear life during the exchange of remarks between them and before any of them has even taken a drink of their beers Niall can feel the tension between all of them start to rise. How could he have endured one moment of sitting next to these people all during the winter? Actually, he probably would be one of the people lying stone cold on the sand a couple feet away from the others. Johnny smiles crookedly at something Harry had said. Kill me, Niall thinks. Kill us all.  
And then Louis says something that Niall wasn't even listening to and Johnny is jumping to his feet and drunkenly shouting "the fuck was that?" and Louis laughs .  
"I didn't mean it that way—" he states, and Niall turns to look at Louis; he's smiling his charming smile as Johnny heaves one, smelly breath.  
"I'll break you, kid." Johnny says. His hair is spiked up in such a stupid way and his jaw is set and Niall wants to punch him really bad, like now. Knock his stupid, crooked teeth out. With the way things are going, that might be an option.  
"Uh, what was that?" Zayn asks. Johnny seems set though, locking eyes with Louis and getting up in his space. Niall can see a flicker of something in Louis and his stance changes.  
Niall can now see the two other boys who aren't unconscious raise to their feet, shouting at Louis to back off. They're unsteady as well, though, and Niall swallows.  
"You're really pissed off your mind, mate. Maybe you should sit down," Louis prompts, with just that hint of mocking that Johnny needs to raise his fist for the swing.  
"Faggot," Johnny says and Niall watches as he tries to throw a punch. Harry had been lingering right behind Louis the entire time and he throws a punch that hits Johnny in the jaw. He's out then—alcohol and Harry's fist to blame.  
The other boys don't really know what to do with themselves after that—they're still yelling and calling them dicks or whatever. Niall pulls on Zayn and Louis' t-shirts away from the fire. The boys don't follow them, and Niall doesn't say anything. As they're walking up the hill back to the street, he can hear Louis say to Harry quietly "I wasn't just going to let him punch me. I could have handled him, Haz. And you're knuckles wouldn't hurt." He hears Harry chuckle. "I'm not a damsel in distress," Louis adds.  
It's quiet enough that they can all hear the sloppy kiss Harry gives him as an answer. Zayn stops walking and gags, both hands braced on each of his knees as he pretends to lose it in the grass. Niall joins him. They both pretend to hack into the grass and Louis and Harry have to stop walking just so Niall and Zayn can pretend to vomit for minutes. It's worth it for the sound of them laughing, finally reaching over to pry them back upright and pull them back along to the pavement.

"I just want him to be here," Niall breathes. He hasn't cried for a reason in a long time, and now that he is, sat under a tree with a bottle of wine in his hands, he can't stop.  
"I know, I'm fucking angry about it too," Zayn says. He rips the bottle from Niall's hands. They have no fire, but it's just cool enough to sit out with no jackets at the park at the edge of town. Niall wishes he had more light though—he bets Zayn looks really upset right now, chugging the wine. Not that he'd want to see that, he just wants to know he's not alone.  
"We didn't even get to properly send him off." Louis says, falling off at that last word. Niall can't even see him and he knows that Louis will be crying in seconds, even if his voice sounds pretty steady right now. Louis doesn't cry, still, but then again they don't really cry about anything together ever. Tonight must be different.  
"No parade or anything" Harry murmurs. Niall thinks he's stroking Louis' hair. Niall leans back and bumps into Zayn, and ends up laying his head on his thigh, still crying, letting out choked little sobs and tears running into Zayn's jeans. Stupid Zayn, with his pretty face and pretty life. How easy it is for him to hold them and console them about their troubles—he's got none of his own.  
"Did he ever tell us why he got those tattoos?" Harry asks. Louis sort of snorts.  
"The rest of us know, Harry. You were wasted off your tits, love." Louis goes quiet for a second and they all laugh.  
"Then tell me," he says. Louis shakes his head. At least, Niall thinks so. It's dark.  
"Let Zayn tell it, he's the one with the crush on Liam. Soaking up every word he said. Has it stitched onto a little pillow in his bedroom, most likely," Louis says, snatching the wine bottle from Zayn's fingers.  
"Hey! Hush," Zayn says. He's quiet for a second. Niall can feel more tears flowing down his cheeks, and thanks god that they can't see him very well right now. Zayn obviously had a crush on Liam. They all had crushes on Liam.  
"I'm pretty sure we all had crushes on Liam," Zayn says, voicing Niall's thoughts, shifting his seat a little. Louis snorts.  
"I was sort of preoccupied, actually." he says. Niall laughs at that and in a few moments admits his crush for Liam just so Zayn will shut up about it.  
"So he told me that the big one—the one on his forearm—was for us. Which I'm not surprised about," they all laugh, struggling, but it fades as they look around and miss Liam's smiling face laughing with them.  
"He said it was for the night with Niall—the first one. With the fireworks. The circles and things. Those were fireworks." Zayn says. "And then he apologized for being so sentimental." Niall's mouth feels dry and his tears stop for a moment. Liam inking his skin forever, making things permanent.  
"And now he's gone," Louis says, sounding so horribly broken that Niall almost immediately hears Harry going to hold him close. Niall rubs a hand across his face, letting in a sniffle, hating and loving Liam at the same time.

The third summer ends and the day that Zayn leaves, he takes them all out for some shitty ice cream like he's their father treating the kids.  
Harry's got his chocolate cone all over his face and they make fun of him for it until he gets it all over each of them. It's cloudy and cold and it matches Niall's mood exactly—but eating his ice cream next to Zayn on the park bench can't be too bad.  
"Promise me, Niall. That you won't do anything stupid while I'm gone." He says it in a whisper while Harry and Louis are preoccupied feeding ducks that have come to visit with pieces of their dripping cones. Niall leans back to him.  
"Would never," it sounds more sarcastic than he meant and he can feel his cheeks flushing after. Zayn leans over again.  
"I mean it, mate. Please," Niall looks over at him and he's looking back, brown eyes big. Zayn's stubble has turned more into a beard and he looks tan from mornings on the beach and older than he did those summers ago.  
"Okay." Niall agrees and goes back to his ice cream and doesn't cry. Not until Zayn leaves in his car and kisses him on his hair goodbye. It feels final—like that's it, that Zayn won't be coming back. He has to keep reminding himself that he will.  
He walks with Louis and Harry for the next couple days until Harry and his family leaves for their second winter together, Louis in tow. And Niall waves them goodbye and cries and takes his time walking home, feeling more empty than he has in a while. He can still feel their hugs on him—a ghost pressure that fades as he reaches his front door.

In March before the fourth summer, Niall meets someone. Actually, he's known him for two years and he's never taken the least bit of interest in him until he had no where else to go. He went back within a week to under the dock, when he felt like all was finally lost, when he couldn't stand any walls around him any more and promised himself that he wouldn't be in this reality for long. He sat with his old friends from school, eyes facing straight forward, staring at the fire, taking everything that was offered to him. And after a couple days, he met Johnny. Met Johnny for real. He learned his story and why he was even in this pathetic town and they'd joke about Niall's old friends after weeks and how he got punched by Harry and how now his nose is just every-so-slightly tilted to the left. He learned that Johnny was different; he made Niall feel like he was huge in this world where everyone else told him to be small.  
Niall fell hard, during long nights by the fire with drinks and laughs and people that he shouldn't have ignored before, back when he was thinking of only four friends that aren't always there for him, when these people are. He stayed out late with Johnny and then one day he finally kissed him and Niall saw stars.

Niall promises Johnny that he loves him as they're on the edge of the dock, playing with his pushed back hair and smiling at green eyes and infectiously crooked smile. Johnny tells him that he loves him constantly throughout weeks and months and Niall lets old memories fade all the way to the back of his mind. School is bearable with Johnny and his friends are always laughing with him and Niall smiles now just for the hell of it.  
And then he catches Johnny in the mouth of some girl in his lap when he shows up late to a house party and Niall's mouth goes dry. He turns and goes home, puts his hood up and he ends up running, promising himself a drink, a strong drink that'll guarantee the disappearance of tonight, maybe every night, so he'll never have to think again.  
He can't breathe as he smiles to his parents and walks upstairs for an early night in. On his bed, he wheezes air in and out of his lungs and feels the horrible coldness he thought he'd pushed away build up in his stomach. Black dots form in the corners of his vision and the room spins. He drinks from a tiny flask until he's lying on his back and welcomes the blackness.  
So throughout the next week, he doesn't move until he finally forces himself to not only shove food into his mouth but to drink a little water as well. He grimaces when he tastes it, so plain and sliding roughly down his dry throat.  
Bags under his eyes become permanent blue bruises as he can barely squeeze in enough sleep in between blacking out and sneaking in some sleeping pills from his mother's bathroom drawer. Johnny doesn't try to talk to him when they're a couple desks away at school or pass by each other in the street—he just lets Niall fall like a rock off the edge of the pier.  
So he sinks.

The fourth summer comes and Niall can barely feel the warmth that starts to spread out over town. He can barely feel the sun that finally comes streaming in through his window. He can feel his feet hitting the floor to get out of bed in the morning, and he can feel himself telling himself that he can't do anything stupid, that he made a promise he can barely remember. He feels himself getting up when the doorbell rings, blinking away drowsiness that never goes away, and seeing Liam's face doesn't bring a smile. He just stands there, wondering why his mind would play such horrible tricks on him  
. Then he starts crying, like really proper crying that he hasn't done in a while. Liam lets him sink into his arms and lets them fall on the ground together. They stay like that for a while, until Niall promises he's okay and Liam tells him to go for a walk with him.  
They end up by the children's park—they never went here in the daytime and Niall feels too exposed in the sunny air and in his thin jacket.  
"But you said you weren't coming back...and I thought you weren't...and why are—" Niall bursts into another round of tears because it's been two years.  
"I'm eighteen, Ni. Niall, please stop crying, I'll start," Niall pushes a huge breath out of himself and Liam grabs his wrists. "I talked my parents into letting me stay here for a while. I'm renting a house and everything. Niall," he's still sobbing a little, and he tries to hold his breath and stop. Liam's looking at him. "Niall, are you okay?"  
Niall nods.  
"Sorry I'm such a sap," Niall says in a sniffle, probably blushing. Liam chuckles.  
"That's always been a problem with you, hasn't it?" he says. Niall goes to punch him.  
Liam smiles and wraps his hand around Niall's fist. "Watch it. I was going to show you something," he says sweetly, and Niall looks at him.  
"Okay," he says, eyes feeling dry and worn out and tired. Liam lets go of his wrists and Niall already feels a chill going through him.  
"Lookee here," Liam reaches into his pockets and pulls out a little set of keys. "I get to pay rent and everything. It's over on the edge of town, it's horrible and I'm not unpacked or anything. Wanna come help?" Liam smiles and his eyes crinkle. Niall tries to do the same.  
"I'll bring the drinks," Niall says a little jokingly. Liam's smile falls a little but he nods.  
"And then we'll wait for the others, so I can give them all heart attacks as well," and Niall laughs, full and clear.

And it's got to be the most beautiful kind of luck that while they're heading back to Niall's house to grab drinks a car stops on the side of the road and there's a shout from the inside.  
"Liam? Liam—what the hell?" Niall turns just as Louis hops out of the car, hair pushed back from his face like Zayn's used to be and Harry climbing out after him.  
"You're back!" Harry shouts, sprinting over to them. Louis then shouts Niall's name and attacks the both of them, knocking them back onto the grass. Harry plows into their pile as well, shouting to Liam and Niall at the same time until they're all lying there laughing and hugging hello.  
But now Niall has the feeling in his gut that he should go have a drink and he's really happy that Harry and Louis are back—really happy—but he also can't think that clearly right now with the growing ache for burning liquid going through him.  
"Come on guys, lets go back to my place and Liam can tell you what we're doing," he gets up from the ground and immediately starts walking. He's imagining what kind of whiskey he should pick out from his fridge when Louis comes up behind him and slips around Niall's.  
"I missed you so much, you little blonde." Louis breathes and Niall smiles at him and closes his eyes in a really cheesy grin.  
"And I missed you, Lou," he answers. In the front of his mind, right now Niall sort of wants something to drink.

Liam's flat isn't much. It's not big, it's lots of white walls and blank spaces and it smells like old people. At least that's what Louis says.  
"Are you allowed to paint in here?" Harry asks, walking away alone to go have a look around. Liam sighs and kicks one of the boxes.  
"No. It's so depressing; it looks like a hospital." he pulls out a puppy face and Niall takes a sip of his beer. Liam's face falls and right now reminds him of when he was telling them the story of how two years ago he totaled his parent's car and ended up in the hospital himself. Niall looks around at all the white. His drink burns down his throat and he offers one to Louis.  
"Nah, man. In a bit," he says with a little grin. As he's walking away towards Harry, Niall takes another chug, relaxing.  
"Love your hair, by the way." Niall says. Louis turns around and swoops a hand through it.  
"Knew you would. Can't wait to show Zayn; he'll probably get all defensive and say it was his style first." Niall purses his lips as Louis shakes his ridiculous hair and Niall laughs a little.  
"And that better not have been sarcasm," Louis calls before turning a corner and disappearing. Niall goes over by Liam and opens one of the boxes.  
"Do we actually have to unpack today?" Niall asks. He kicks the box a little, listening to it slide across the faded wooden floors.  
Liam laughs.  
"Guess not. I've already got the mattress out. I'll survive." Niall goes over and hands Liam a beer.  
"Niall," Liam starts, eyeing his bottle, but Louis and Harry have come back.  
"Sort of small," Harry says, boots clacking on the wood floors. Liam snorts.  
"Well, it's just me, isn't it?" Liam opens the beer with his bare hands. Niall raises his eyebrows. Those tattoos fit him now.  
"Yeah, yeah it is." Louis says, and smiles. It seems insincere. Liam lets out a little breath as he and Louis seem to have a wordless conversation.  
"I wanted to wait until Zayn came, damn it all." He mock-angrily slams his beer on the counter. Then he turns and smiles at them. Niall looks at Louis' knowing smile and wonders what the hell is going on.  
"I was wondering if you lot would like to move in with me, for the time being." Niall feels his mouth drop open a little. He probably would have seen it coming if he wasn't constantly distracted by his freezing beer leaving trails of moisture down his palms, but it's shocking all the same. "And if not, I'll just unhappily live alone." Liam adds, and waits. Niall grips onto his bottle for dear life.  
He's eighteen. He could live with Liam—away from parents and rules and his future. He'd be able to do anything whenever he wanted. For the time being, at least. He wouldn't have a curfew, or have the constant reminders around him that his life isn't what it should be. He could get away from people, and just let his friends take him in. He'd be free.

They slip it out of him. Niall promised he wouldn't let his lives collide—he tried almost everything to get them to stop worrying about him. He thought it'd gone away last summer—the glances at each other after he would pass up a meal or take one sip of the wine too many. Now it returns every time Niall picks up a bottle of anything—it even happens once when he picks up a glass of water.  
But he's settled into the makeshift bed he's created for himself in the bedroom he shares with Liam, drink in hand, and they slip it out of him.  
"It's just part of the process, okay? Blame Johnny," Niall says, the bitter murmur of the name making him want to curl into himself and disappear. He leans his back against the wall, his legs tightening when he realizes what he's done. Zayn walks in with the pizza then, dressed in a brown leather jacket with the ridiculous fringe he urges them is in style and wearing those big glasses he found out he needed. Zayn's living in the main room for now, because he'd only arrived in town a week ago and they'd already claimed their respective territories of the flat. He sneaks into Niall and Liam's room constantly, though, and the mattress in the main room is pathetically unused. And it's manageable for now—they let their thoughts of colleges they need to attend in the fall in the back of their minds and they've collapsed into their little routine, living on their own like this.  
"Johnny? You mean that kid Haz punched last year?" Zayn asks, setting the box down. It smells good. But Niall is still frozen, the shock of what he never wanted to discuss floating in between them.  
"Wha'cha mean?" Harry asks, eyes soft. And they don't know. Niall's gotten pretty good at hiding it. At hiding some flashbacks he'll have after they say something that sounds too familiar or the way he can't say what he's about to out loud.  
"I—may have hooked up with him. More than that, really. Like, dating." Niall says it all really fast and softly and maybe he could at least get it out of his mouth.  
"Oh my god I understand the entire world," Louis says in the silence. The pizza box is opened and they all grab a slice. The conversation is changed to a man at the new pizza joint and Niall is left sitting there, his unspeakable words sitting out there in the open and they're all just going at the pizza like nothing had been said. So he lets it drop. Maybe that is for the best. He eats and leaves his drink on the floor while he shovels bite after bite into his mouth, trying to put his mouth to use other than accidentally revealing his secrets.

The night Zayn had moved in, they went to the beach after they knew each of them should have been asleep. It was Louis' idea—because of course it was, and the rest of them sort of pretended to be nervous about it as they shed their t-shirts, setting Harry's record player to play some Elvis, because it's Liam's favorite and if he's drunk enough he might dance. They placed it on the sandy grass a little ways away, and stumbled into the water. Niall felt too exposed—then again, what did he expect from skinny dipping?  
Niall remembers them laughing about Zayn and Liam's tattoos and its revealed that Zayn has poetry tattooed like a tramp stamp above his ass and harry ends up screaming of laughter over it, being pushed into the water as an answer. Louis joins Niall shoulder deep and twirls him, screaming, and splashes in his face until he's begging for Louis to stop. Zayn accidentally gets kicked in the balls by Liam, and Liam kisses his cheek and offers himself to Zayn in return, arms wide, waiting for the blow. To which Zayn says "as if" and gets them all going again.

Niall remembers being underwater, and when he surfaced being met with the call of seabirds and black velvet sky and gentle playing of Elvis' sweet voice on the record, finally crackling to an end when the needle finds no more of the record to play.  
Floating on his back, the others doing the same, he wonders why he ever sank at all.

Harry is the one that gives them the news that Oklie's is going to close within the week. Niall's just gotten back from a visit with his parents and then walked back to his own place in the early September air, feeling surprisingly full of something he couldn't explain. His parents had never outright said that he looked like a mess—chewed fingernails and blue bruises under his eyes, so Niall took that as a good sign. They asked about his friends, which is so uncommon of them that he almost didn't know how to respond. He told them how Harry's going into culinary school and Louis said he'd tag along until he figures out how to fix his degree he'd given up on. He told them that Liam wants to be a fireman, and that Niall might join him. They promised to come see the flat if he ever invited them, and even though he probably won't, it was good. His parents patted him on the shoulder goodbye and had given him a little smile that sort of made Niall feel like he got something right.  
So when Harry tells them about Oklie's over a meal he's cooked—he's the only one who can out of the five of them and he's damn good at it of course—Niall just sort of sits. The warmness he'd been feeling from talking with his family leaks out of him into the floor, and he's left just sort of sitting.  
"Oh, well that's sort of bittersweet." Louis says and goes back to his meal. Niall looks to Zayn. He's looking down at the table.  
"We should go there again," Niall suggests before he means to. Zayn turns to him. Their tradition of affirming their troubles all together at a table at Oklie's Diner had all but vanished and now they were constantly in on each other's lives. A side affect of living together, maybe. But Zayn knows how much that place means to Niall. He'd told them within a ramble of all the things he loves, the day after he'd refused his first drink in two weeks. And they'd listened. Zayn obviously remembers from the small grin he gives Niall then.  
"Yeah, we should. A proper sendoff to the most decent place in town," Zayn says, and Liam chuckles.  
"Besides our house, of course."  
And they all just sort of smile and look down at their food.

In their respective seats and food set up in front of them, Niall watches his friends laugh with each other and shuffle into their seats, Niall closest to the wall, Zayn and Liam on the end, and Harry and Louis across the table. Harry's hair is shorter than before, less of a mop and more of a tamed bit of curls. Louis has kept his Zayn-like hairstyle after Zayn had only laughed about it, telling him off for copying and Louis retorting like he always does, screaming "but I thought it was the style, Zayn!" mockingly and flicking him on the arm. Mop-less Harry and Louis are undoubtedly holding hands under the table, and Niall smiles to them. They're not looking, but he knows they know.  
"Should we play our game? Although I already know how horrible your lives are," Zayn says, and Louis nods.  
"Tradition, Zayn." and that's the end of it.  
Niall is forced to start them off. "I almost became an alcoholic after I caught my boyfriend with a girl in his lap." It's the first time that he's said that to them, the first time he'd mentioned Johnny on purpose. Unless he's said more about it while he was wasted or something. He was told he sometimes did things like that.  
"Oh...oh." Harry says, and Niall lets him. After trying not to sink into his seat, of course.  
Niall of course would never want to flat out say that he became an alcoholic. He doesn't know who would. His drinks are being watched by the others whether he wants it or not; a small pat on the back when he tells them he feels like he needs it to stop thinking about everything all the time.  
"So during all those months, you and Johnny were...and then he..."Liam trails off. It's like the entire restaurant stops talking and it's just a big empty room and Niall alone in his seat. Niall feels like the entire world has stopped and is glaring at him, watching him stumble for words. Harry looks down.  
He murmurs "I wish I could punch him." and Louis quietly adds "Again." They all try to laugh, even Niall.  
"Well if you ever happen to see him, I give you permission" Niall says and suddenly finds mobility in his limbs. He stretches out, watching them all look to each other, having conversations that Niall can't hear. He turns to Liam.  
"Please tell me something worse happened; I'm really not in the mood for fries," Niall says; trying to lighten everything even more. He's not sure if it works, but Liam gives him a crinkled smile and Niall feels warm, then.

"Well, I sort of full on fought with my parents, during the time I haven't seen you guys. And I don't know if they're even gonna talk to me during college or anything."  
They all sort of knew it had happened. Liam had a tenancy to talk about his parents a lot, within a stream of cuss words late at night. They all just confirm it with a nod, and Liam tells them that he doesn't care. They nod again.  
Zayn is next in line and he pushes his glasses up further on the bridge of his nose.  
"I've been forced into moving in with four twats," he says, raising whatever mood they've all been put into. Liam swats him on the arm. Louis raises a hand.  
"Abusing your flatmates' feelings are an immediate disqualification." Louis shouts, Zayn opens his mouth to protest, and Liam covers his mouth.  
"Louis, love." Harry prompts during Zayn's struggles. Liam is strong, keeping his mouth covered. Louis looks satisfied. "During my second adventure with the lovely Harry, I was lucky enough to get poison ivy for two weeks while hiking in the mountains." Niall lets out a long 'ooh' while Harry leans over and places his head on top of Louis' with a puppy face.  
"I know, I know. Very painful. Very itchy. And you, Harry?" He tilts his face up and Harry straightens.  
"I...I don't know. I had to live with Louis complaining about his poison ivy for two weeks," and Liam finally removes his hand while he's laughing, shouting "he licked my hand! You little assh-" and his mouth is covered with Zayn's hand now. They're all laughing through it and Zayn kisses his own hand in place of Liam's lips to make it better.  
After a couple minutes of deliberation, they give half their fries to Niall and the other half to Liam. But they end up stealing them all back, anyway.  
And when they're done and leaving Oklie's with a quick wave to the owner, Louis comes over to Niall, hooks an arm in his, and leans over to Niall's ear. He tells him he's sorry about Johnny. It's good, and Louis' breath smells like potatoes. He pokes at Louis' stomach and tries to joke about how his next boyfriend won't be an inconsiderate dick, but Louis just sort of gives him a sad little smile and says softly "yeah". Behind him, he can hear Harry yell "Goodbye, Oklie's! I'll never forget you!" in the most awful, heart-breaking way. And with a sharp laugh from each of them that echoes into Niall's head, they keep walking.


End file.
